I Wonder How Much He Loves Me!

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By Umm ‘Aisha

I wonder how much He loves me. He never scolds me on my faults, he never punishes me, and He never says I have become bad and most of all He never tells anyone what wrongs I did.

He never lets anybody see my inner feelings. At times I am not what people think I am, he never discloses it to anyone, not even when I hurt people and disobey his commands.
Sometimes I want to unveil my bad qualities and bad habits to all those who love me, just to tell them that I don’t deserve their love, just to tell them that I am not that good as much He has made me in their eyes and then He stops me from doing this because he does not like His people to hate me, He gets angry if I expose my bad habits to others but he never gets angry if I commit any sin in solitude or when nobody is watching me, He always welcomes my repentance. When immediately after disobeying him I say “O my LORD, my true GOD, please forgive me!!” He accepts my sorry in a jiffy.

How truly He has said:

فَبِأَيِّ آلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?
(Surah Ar Rahman 55:13)

I can never know how much blessings I have been favored with, I can’t thank Him ever!!
I wish I was not this much bad because ALLAH does not want me to be bad…but I am, with all my efforts, I am still bad, I am still a sinner, and I commit grievous sins at times.
And then again I am put to shame by my own acts, when I see my Lord always forgiving me!!
I start thinking that I don’t deserve good people, because I am not good.
But yet my ALLAH gives me more love, more loving people.
I always feel that I don’t care about anyone. Yet ALLAH gives me people who care for me a lot.
I am put to shame by my own acts, by my own words but ALLAH never leaves me alone.
I transgress His limits yet He does not punish me.

They say mothers forgive every fault of yours.
They say fathers never say NO to your wishes.
They say your siblings are your ultimate friends.
They say your family never leaves you when you are in any trouble.
But I have seen mothers who don’t forgive, and I have seen fathers who do say “NO”.
And I have seen siblings who do not bother about you, and I have witnessed many families leaving their relatives alone at the time of need.

But I have never ever heard that ALLAH does not forgive, or He says “NO” to your duaas, now I know that there is only one best friend and that is ALLAH.

And I have found Him just the same, not a single wish He denies, not a single sin that he does not forgive, not a single moment that He leaves you alone, and yet I am His servant who disobeys Him!!

Ahh….what a grievous sinner I am and what a forgiving LORD, my ALLAH is!!
Ahh….what a hateful person I am and what a loving LORD, my ALLAH is!!
Ahh….what a poor soul I am and what a benevolent LORD, my ALLAH is!!
Ahh….O man you are indeed in a loss!!
Ahh….O man you are indeed transgressing your limits!!
Ahh….O man you are really ungrateful!!

Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?
(Surah Ar Rahman 55:13)

[Courtesy: http://islamandpsychology.blogspot.com]

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